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SANDI TOKSVIG: Good evening and welcome to The News Quiz. With me tonight: Miles Jupp, Zoe Lyons, Jeremy Hardy and Andy Hamilton.
Now, the big story this week is the continuing fallout from Peter Murrell’s guilty plea. The former SNP chief executive admitted embezzling more than £400,000 of party funds. His estranged wife, Nicola Sturgeon, has said she is “serving a sentence for a crime she didn’t commit”.
Andy, do you think Nicola Sturgeon knew what her husband was up to when she was signing that resignation letter to the King with one of his dodgy Montblanc pens?
ANDY HAMILTON: Well, Sandy, if she didn’t notice a four-thousand-pound fountain pen, I’m not sure she’d notice four hundred thousand pounds disappearing from the party coffers. She’s either the most trusting wife in Scotland or she’s got the observational skills of a garden gnome.
JEREMY HARDY: Oh come on, she’s “serving a sentence for a crime she didn’t commit”. That’s a new one. Most of us just get community service for forgetting our wedding anniversary.
SANDI TOKSVIG: Miles, what do you make of this?
MILES JUPP: My goodness me, my wife even notices if I put too much wine in the shopping trolley. If Peter Murrell had been spending four hundred thousand pounds on wine, Nicola would’ve had the bailiffs round before he’d even got the corkscrew out.
SANDI TOKSVIG: Right. Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, the House has just given President Trump a proper slap over his Iran adventure. Zoe, do you think we should ever have got involved in the first place?
ZOE LYONS: Involved? We’ve been poking that hornet’s nest since before I was born. The only thing we’ve ever got out of Iran is higher petrol prices and a dodgy back.
SANDI TOKSVIG: Jeremy?
JEREMY HARDY: The Americans never learn, do they? Every time they bomb somewhere, they’re shocked when the oil stops flowing. It’s like setting fire to your own wallet and then complaining you’re skint.
ANDY HAMILTON: Exactly. We’ve got the Strait of Hormuz blocked, oil prices going mental, and somehow it’s still everyone else’s fault. Classic.
SANDI TOKSVIG: Jeremy, which royal looks like he’s received a slap in the face?
JEREMY HARDY: (dry as dust) Well, Sandy, I believe you’re referring to ex-Royal High Arrogantness Prince Andrew, Duke of York. He appears to have woken up with what can only be described as a very angry-looking red mark across his cheek. Either someone finally told him the truth about his life choices, or he’s been practising his surprised face for the next court appearance. Hard to tell these days!
ANDY HAMILTON: To be fair, it does look like he lost an argument with a particularly aggressive towel. Or perhaps one of his many “friends” finally got fed up with him.
MILES JUPP: My goodness me, it’s quite the shiner. At this rate he’ll be able to join the cast of The Lion King as Scar without any make-up.
ZOE LYONS: Let’s be honest, the man’s face has taken more punishment than most boxing careers. Between the scandals, the sweat, and now this mysterious cheek injury… he’s basically a walking public health warning.
JEREMY HARDY: I’m just surprised it’s only one mark. Usually when Andrew gets in trouble, it’s several women at once.
SANDI TOKSVIG: Right, moving swiftly on before we get another letter from the Palace…
Now, Miles, if birds could Twitter, what did one bird decide to do this week?
MILES JUPP: My goodness me, Sandi, I believe we are talking about that rather militant ring-necked parakeet in Inverness. The creature has spent the last few months systematically pecking the rubber door seals and windscreen wiper blades off parked cars, causing hundreds of pounds of damage per vehicle. Local residents have now taken to covering their motors with tarpaulins, as though they are preparing for an avian siege.
ANDY HAMILTON: It’s the perfect metaphor for modern Britain, isn’t it? Even the wildlife has started dismantling things one small, annoying piece at a time.
JEREMY HARDY: I’m not surprised. If I had to listen to Scottish accents all day, I’d start taking it out on the nearest Vauxhall as well.
ZOE LYONS: At least it’s targeting the practical bits. Most politicians just peck away at your wallet and leave the wipers alone.
SANDI TOKSVIG: And finally this week, Zoe, what ambitious pub-support scheme from the pandemic years has resurfaced in the news?
ZOE LYONS: Ah yes, the one that got quietly shelved. During lockdown, someone at the Department for Business had the splendid idea of issuing giant “yard of ale” glasses to pubs as part of a support package. The plan was vetoed by Downing Street on the grounds that it might encourage binge drinking. Jacob Rees-Mogg, never one to miss an opportunity for a quip, observed that Nigel Farage would probably have been allowed to keep his.
ANDY HAMILTON: You can just picture it, can’t you? Rees-Mogg standing there in a frock coat, solemnly brandishing a medieval-sized glass of ale like it’s the Holy Grail. “One does not simply chug from the yard.”
MILES JUPP: My goodness me, the mental image alone is worth the entire pandemic. I can see him now, holding it aloft with both hands and announcing, “This, gentlemen, is how one takes refreshment in a civilised manner.”
JEREMY HARDY: The only surprise is that they didn’t go the whole hog and issue everyone with a ceremonial breastplate and a small cannon for last orders.
SANDI TOKSVIG: On that note, that is all we have time for this week. My thanks to Miles Jupp, Zoe Lyons, Jeremy Hardy and Andy Hamilton. I’m Sandi Toksvig, and until next time, goodbye.
