This is an imaginary version of the News Quiz on BBC Radio 4 with past panellists and hosted by Sandi Toksvig.
Host: Sandy Toksvig
Newsreader: Peter Donaldson (eternally booming from the archives)
Panel: Jeremy Hardy, Andy Hamilton, Francis Wheen, Mark Steel
News Quiz Week (Ending 26th September)
The News Quiz (Mock 2025 Special Edition)
Host: Sandy Toksvig
Newsreader: Peter Donaldson (eternally booming from the archives)
Panel: Jeremy Hardy, Andy Hamilton, Francis Wheen, Mark Steel
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[Theme music fades in – The Typewriter]
SANDY TOKSVIG:
Hello and welcome to The News Quiz. We start with a news report read by Peter Donaldson.
PETER DONALDSON:
“Donald Trump has once again claimed Sadiq Khan wants to impose Sharia law on London. The former US president made the remarks during a rally in Iowa, adding that paracetamol may cause autism, before being interrupted by chants of ‘Lock up the NHS.’”
SANDY:
Thank you, Peter. And now, let’s meet our teams. On my right, Jeremy Hardy and Francis Wheen. And on my left, Andy Hamilton and Mark Steel.
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Question 1 — Trump’s Wild Allegations
SANDY:
Jeremy, let’s start with you. Who’s been talking rubbish again?
JEREMY HARDY:
Oh, Trump. Honestly, this man makes Boris Johnson look like Aristotle. He says Sadiq Khan’s planning sharia law? The poor man barely got congestion charging through. If he’s imposing anything, it’s a 20-minute wait for the Piccadilly Line.
MARK STEEL:
And paracetamol causes autism now? I took two paracetamol this morning, and all it caused was a desperate need for another cup of tea.
FRANCIS WHEEN:
Trump’s brain is basically one of those bingo machines — every now and then, out pops a random word ball. Today it was “sharia.” Yesterday it was “paracetamol.” Tomorrow it’ll be “badgers.”
ANDY HAMILTON:
If Trump ever does get back in, we’ll all need something stronger than paracetamol. Maybe uranium suppositories.
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Question 2 — UK Politics
SANDY:
Francis, who’s been juggling more than just policies this week?
FRANCIS WHEEN:
That’ll be Keir Starmer. He’s announced Britain will recognise a Palestinian state. Which is brave, noble, and almost guaranteed to annoy precisely everyone at once.
JEREMY:
Well, it won’t feed any starving children, will it? Unless the kids are very hungry for a sense of diplomatic symbolism.
MARK:
It’s the first time in years Britain has led the world in anything other than royal scandals and Eurovision defeats.
ANDY:
I admire Starmer’s courage. But let’s be honest — he still looks like a man who’s been asked to play Hamlet at a wedding disco.
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Question 3 — Tech News
SANDY:
Andy, why is Sam Altman back in the headlines?
ANDY:
Because AI has now become the water supply of knowledge. ChatGPT is the tap. Which is fine, except half the country can’t afford to pay their water bills, let alone their broadband.
JEREMY:
AI is like having a friend who’s read every book in the world — but will still insist that Napoleon was a brand of ice cream.
MARK:
If Google’s the library, ChatGPT’s the librarian who’s already judged your search and decided you’re an idiot.
FRANCIS:
I don’t mind AI writing articles. I just don’t want it running the country. Then again, I’m not sure I want humans running the country either.
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Question 4 — Quirky News
SANDY:
Mark, what’s happening to football fans’ brains this week?
MARK:
Apparently, the average supporter thinks about their club once every 12 minutes. Which makes sense — because that’s exactly how long it takes Chelsea to concede a goal.
JEREMY:
At least football fans admit their obsession. Politicians think about power every 12 seconds, but dress it up as “public service.”
—
Cuttings
PETER DONALDSON (reading cuttings):
A council in Northamptonshire accidentally spent £3 million earmarked for road repairs on “wellness beanbags.”
A Cornish pub has been sued by Starbucks for selling “Grande Latte with extra froth” — otherwise known as a pint of Doom Bar.
A man in Sweden has renamed his cat “Dave” after complaints that “ABBA” was inappropriate for a tabby.
Scores
SANDY:
Time for the scores! Jeremy and Francis have 13. Andy and Mark win with 14.
And we end, as always, with the serious news: Global leaders continue to meet at the UN to negotiate a ceasefire in Gaza.
From all of us at The News Quiz, thank you for listening.
[Theme music out]
